I do enjoy writing. There is freedom in writing and letting my thoughts run free. I forget the things I love. I get stuck on duty and responsibility and all the “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts.”
My husband is good to me. He helps me see things a little more clearly when I get stuck. I’ve felt super stuck lately. Stuck in mud and dirt and grime. The unpredictability, disappointment, and relational stress I’ve been experiencing put me on my knees this morning. I can remember the times life has brought me to my knees. This time, I knelt out of desperation and a deep need to lament.
David in Psalm 13 cried out to the Lord, “How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day?” And I love that David asks God that question without fear and hesitation. I love the rawness and the honesty and the trust it takes in God’s goodness and love. It takes great faith to ask God those questions and to be honest about our brokenness. For me, it means that I am believing that God cares about the sorrow in my heart and desires to restore me to joy.
All day, I have felt guilty for being sorrowful, angry, and discontented the day before Thanksgiving. My inner critic has questioned my integrity and made me feel unlovable. Am I the problem? Why can’t I get it together? Why can’t I make a decision? Why does life feel so hard? I am chased by a relentless voice that bases my value in whether I am right or not. And when life gets really messy and all I can feel is my own limits and sorrow, I am left exhausted on the couch with mascara running down my face.
In the midst of my grief, my hope cannot be in circumstantial change. It must be in the steadfast love of Christ. Today, as I knelt on the ground, I cried over and over to Jesus, “You love me,” until I had tears in my eyes. I forget that I am loved as easily as I forget what I enjoy.
It’s easy to want to rid myself of my brokenness.It’s easy to want to ignore my brokenness. But the first choice is impossible and the second only leads to denial. Even though I may desire to rid myself of brokenness at times, I know that is not Christ’s way. He desires that I accept my brokenness in humility.
Any good I do is grace to me from Christ Jesus. I can do nothing on my own.