I care.

I like to write, but the pressure gets to me. I struggle with wanting to write for myself and for others.

In the past, I have pretty much just written for myself, which I think is more comfortable for me. I want to get my thoughts out of my head, so I write them on a private blog or in my journal, but no one is allowed to look at them.

I think that writing is good, but I also do have a real longing to write in a way that reaches other people and is not just for myself. I want the freedom to not worry about my writing being “good enough” for others, which makes the public writing more difficult.

I also can think, who am I? Why would anyone want to read about my random thoughts or ideas? I am not that wise or special, and I don’t want to come off preachy or be hypocritical. Maybe I just shouldn’t share my writing with other people? Maybe it’s too tempting for me and my motivations aren’t pure enough?

All those thoughts were in my head not long ago as I was showering before a work day. What is cool is that not long after those thoughts came into my head, the Lord communicated to me through another voice that those thoughts are not good. They keep me from displaying Christ.

I think the Lord wants me to write more than I often want to write, especially publicly. Public anything is hard for me. I have never wanted to be famous, and I am sensitive to feeling like others are personally critiquing or judging me.

When do we ever feel good enough? We don’t. And that is not why we write or choose to be vulnerable. We write because it is good for our souls. We write because there is something in us that knows we aren’t made to stay quiet. Our souls are screaming for understanding and for meaning. We can’t stay quiet out of fear or our souls will shrink up and have no room to breathe.

I am sure I haven’t articulated all these thoughts super well. It’s funny how all writers have different goals and styles in their writing. What one writer might emphasize, the next writer wouldn’t care anything about.

I have realized I care about truthfulness, vulnerability, and being clear in what I am trying to communicate. I hate vague things. I am a details person. So often, when people are describing things to me, I ask if people can give me a little more context or information.

I crave intimacy. I crave knowing your heart if you are in my life. It is easier to be defensive and on guard. I don’t believe that we can always be vulnerable with every person or in every situation. But I want others to know that I really do care. I care about the truth in your heart and the ugliness in it too. I care about the good, and the bad, and all the confusing stuff that is hard for both of us to understand.

I was thinking the other day about what is a core theme in my life that I have been able to see throughout it. It honestly isn’t easy for me to answer because my life is short, and I have less time than other people to look back on. But the ideas of transformation and healing came to my mind.

I long so deeply for healing and transformation in my heart and yours. I want you to know and believe truth because I want that so badly for myself. It is so clear to me that we are all far from the image of what we were made to be in Christ, and I long to be a part of that healing work that transforms us into the image of Christ.

It’s cool that Christ made us all so differently. I am glad other people have different themes and longings than I do. We need each other. We need the healing that comes from love and connection. We have the power to experience healing through relationship with one another.

Let us be humble and confess our sins to one another that we may be healed. Let us lay down our pride and defenses and acknowledge the lack of understanding and hurt. Let us face the darkness with hope and courage that the one who conquered the grave is living in our hearts. Hallelujah! Praise be the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit. I pray that, in spite of the pressure I feel when writing publicly, this post would be refreshing to my soul and to anyone else that it is for! Amen.