Entering into your pain.

Narcolepsy makes writing hard for me. Anything sedentary, alone, and passive will likely lead me to experience daytime sleep attacks. I rarely feel like I have enough energy to share my stories well.

I had a sleep attack just now. It can happen throughout all hours of the day, but it happens to me the most after I eat lunch. I probably should nap and not try to write right now, but I already napped this morning, and I am sick of sleeping.

I have been reading other narcolepsy blogs and websites lately, and I joined three different narcolepsy support groups on Facebook. I have been motivated to connect with others with narcolepsy and to share my blog with fellow narcolepsy sufferers. The online resources for narcoleptics can be very good, but they also have been challenging for me to explore.

The support groups on Facebook are places where people mostly talk about their problems and ask hard questions. Reading from so many other narcoleptics about their experience with narcolepsy can feel overwhelming and discouraging to me. The problems are so numerous. The suffering they experience feels too close to home.

It sometimes seems easier for me to not enter into their suffering and pretend that I am all alone. At first, all I wanted in connecting to others with narcolepsy was to not feel alone. What I didn’t realize is that seeing other people suffering in so many similar and different ways would make narcolepsy feel so much worse. I didn’t consider how much I would empathize with and take on the sufferings of fellow narcoleptics.

It is hard for me not to compare myself to other narcoleptics, but it does not help me or anyone else. I struggle in comparing myself to the general population, but it is even easier to fall into comparing myself to other narcoleptics. This morning, I was looking at some of the most popular narcolepsy blogs and came across two blogs written by women that are working tirelessly as narcolepsy advocates.

The work that these two women have accomplished in narcolepsy advocacy is beautiful and inspiring, and I am grateful for how they are helping other narcoleptics. Their names are Julie Flygare and Eleanor Wales. I wish that all I felt this morning as I was looking through their blogs was inspired and grateful, but I gave into comparison without conscious recognition and left the computer screen feeling unaccomplished and inadequate.

I don’t want to shy away from the pain of others. I want to be able to sit with them and cry while still offering hope in a God that is bigger than any of the problems that we face. I want to stop comparing and trust that God deeply cares for my desires and is using me in unique and important ways.

I want to love the other narcoleptics I connect with as much as I love myself.